Warning: In Case of Rapture, This Blog Will Veer Off Course and Crash

With the rapture being the next event on the end times calendar, and Jesus' pseudo-return to earth to silently snatch His evangelical believers up into the clouds having been scheduled for each of the next Tuesdays for the last hundred years, my blogging days are numbered. I am warning my readers, therefore, that in case of rapture, this blog will no longer have a blogger behind the wheel, and it will veer off course and maybe even kill unsuspecting bystanders in cyberspace. Those left behind - or derriere a gauche - beware for your souls. To those Jews who are left behind, evangelicals - who really, really, really love you - urge you to move to Jerusalem. Where, for some reason, God will love you too, and make sure that the Anti-Christ will kill all of you. Only 144,000 of you will escape an eternity in hell, but move there anyway. Whew, I'm sure glad I'll be outta here and won't have to endure any of this. Which shows just how important it is to call the 800 number on channel 65. Note to those who find my house empty: if the rapture happens while I'm shaving and you find my razor buzzing in the sink, it won't electrocute you because it's only battery operated.