The Five Pint Stoutist

What do you get when you cross a religious holiday, religious humor, the official drink of the religious holiday, a bacon shortage, and another reason for Calvinists to act like Calvinists?  You get the Five Pint Stoutist.

Church Terminology and Definitions

Here are some common Christian terms and their definitions:

• Denominational:  The showing of unity in dividing from others.
• Non-denominational:  (1) Being so opposed to denominational division that one is willing to divide from all other churches over the issue (2) A handy misleading label that can be used when being so denominational that there are no other churches that agree with you (3) A denomination consisting of only one church
• Narthex:  Something everybody knows what it is but can't give a definition for
• Fellowship Hall:  Room where cookies and punch are served
• Sermon Length:  (historical) The length in time of one side of a blank cassette tape
• Pot Luck:  A large meal shared by Arminians where each participant brings a dish, the contents being unknown to others until the time of the meal
• Pot Providence:  A large meal shared by Calvinists where each participant brings a dish, the contents being unknown to others until the time of the meal
• Benediction:  Lunch time
• Bible Belt:  The area of the US where people are most likely to carry a bible and demand that the rest of society obey it while simultaneously least likely to follow what is written therein
• Supralapsarianism:  Us
• Infralapsarianism:  Them
• Pew:  Medieval torture device from which Steve Scott writes

Half-Cussin' Has Its Own Theology

Fresh off the fun with linking to Dan Allen's The Christian Cuss Word Flowchart a few days ago, I'm piggybacking here with another concept.  Dan's post pulled the trigger, but what loaded the gun was a comedy clip I heard not long ago on a radio station.  You know, those "five o'clock funnies" kind of deals.  The comedian was talking about how we use substitute words to half-cuss.  You know, like using "freaking" or "friggin'" when we really could use the other word.  He added a few religious half-cuss words to spice up the routine, like when people use "Jeez" for Jesus, "Gosh" for God, and the like.  "Jeez Louise" would mean a half-invocation of Mother Mary of course.

This got me to a thinkin'.  Our culture uses several more half-cussin' religious words, like "darn" and "heck."  Then it came together.  I found that if I strung some of those half-cuss words together, I could create a half-cussin' theology.  I was looking for the right context to air this, and Dan's post was it.  The half-cusser has his own theology.  And when these words are strung together, albeit humorous for me, it really does seem to capture the weak theology of mainstream American evangelicalism.  So without further delay, I present to you the freaking theology of the half-cussin' man:

Unless you believe in Jeez, the Son of Gosh, you'll be darned to heck.  - Hezekiah 3:16

The Christian Cuss Word Flowchart

Courtesy of Dan from the Ekklesia in Southern Maine comes The Christian Cuss Word Flowchart.  If you've ever wondered just which semi-, quasi- or pseudo-cuss word to use in the presence of another Christian, this chart is for you.

Too Tired To Think Straight

I had several ideas for posts lined up for tonight, but my brain went into standby mode. I wanted to add some comments to my last post as well as plop something down on eschatology. My eyelids are heaby now, (that's heavy) and I'm off to bed in a minute. I just ate some chips that I shouldn't have eaten (tortilla chips). I just brushed my teeth, too. Can I get away with not brushing after eating chips? I already took the garbage out and it's cold again tonight after several weeks of rain. My wife and three boys are sleeping and I'm off to join them. Five-thirty will come early tomorrow. It takes me about 45 minutes of snooze alarms to finally get out of bed. It's not that I'm not a morning person, but once I'm up, I stay up. Aw, nevermind. Zzzzzzzz.....

My Favorite Barry Manilow Songs

My wife likes my sense of humor.

Sixteen Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

Variations of this list are posted all over the internet, and for various reasons. Some are from atheists mocking the bible, some are for fun, while others are for making a point against the tyranny of imposing your personal beliefs upon others based on your own understanding of "what is biblical." It should be pointed out that none of these ways to get a wife are explicitly deemed by the bible to be "unbiblical." The list I chose has fifteen ways, and you can view it here.

And the sixteenth way? Mine. I'll post it at a later date.

My Blog Is Rated "R"

Thanks to T.B. Vick's blog, Shadows Of Divine Things, for the tipoff of having your blog rated as though it was a movie. Just as the bible is full of all kinds of sin, like murder, adultery and other forms of deviant sex, malice, lying, and all the others, I discuss these things on my blog.

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
death (6x), hell (5x), murder (4x), dead (2x), dangerous (1x)