Sunday, January 06, 2008

More On Singleness

Thanks to each who commented on my recent post on singleness. My good friend Shelly wrote some about the expectations of others and the difficulty in dealing with that. During my singleness as a Christian, I also had to deal with the expectations of others in the context of all the various doctrines of marriage/divorce/remarriage, some of which are rigid salvation-dependent doctrines. I had friends who expected that since I was previously divorced that I was to remain single. Others thought it okay to remarry. Still others thought it my duty to remarry. Yet others thought I needed to pursue and reconcile with my ex-wife. Several close friends even told me that if I decided to remarry, since I was married previously, that they wouldn't attend my wedding because that would be giving a blessing to adultery. As "Christians" they couldn't bless adultery.

Also, since internet dating was in its infancy, reactionary conservative Christians had yet to consider the possibility of God allowing it as not sinful. Additionally, I had read Joshua Harris' book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and fell into the trap of viewing his book as "the biblical" way to look at dating instead simply his own personal convictions. I hurt several women as a result. I then kissed "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" goodbye. There are those who advocate the "courtship" system (man-made system, no less) and condemn those who "date," even if they do so without sin. Some who "date" actually unknowingly follow the courtship system, but since they don't know that there are self-appointed priests of relationships out there that christen the system with the name "courtship", they are condemned.

With all the talk about contentment during singlehood, I think the least content people are the ones who place the expectations on singles. They are not content to leave the lives of others alone. They don't believe that singles can discern God's will from reading the bible. They manufacture doctrines and condemn those who don't fit with their religious utopias. How would they know what I have to deal with on a day to day basis? Job's friends, they. Jesus said to his disciples that some were born eunuchs, some are made eunuchs by men, and some make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom, and that not everybody could accept such a statement. Yeah, Jesus, I know.

Now for a clarification on my first post. I don't have a problem with matchmaking or matchmakers (yes, Steve Schlissel has a matchmaking service) or with friends helping out by suggesting somebody special, as long as the person they "help" is okay with it.

6 comments:

  1. Steve wrote:
    >"During my singleness as a Christian,
    >I also had to deal with the expectations
    >of others in the context of all the various
    >doctrines... Several close friends even told
    >me that if I decided to remarry, since I was
    >married previously, that they wouldn't attend
    >my wedding because that would be giving a blessing
    >to adultery."

    Gosh, I wonder if these friends of yours would also refuse to have dinner with tax collectors and prostitutes just like Jesus refused to do?

    Isn't it amazing how so many who call themselves "Christians" are really self centered arrogant people who want to push their own personal opinions upon others? But they know that no one really cares all that much about what they think So they pretend they are speaking for God in a desperate and vein attempt to feel more self important and powerful. I have read the Bible and I know what Jesus teaches and boycotting a wedding sure seems anti christian to me. You don't have to bless a sin but you sure don't have to ignore people who are trying to live their lives as best they can in spite of their sins.


    >I had read Joshua Harris' book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"
    >and fell into the trap of viewing his book as
    >"the biblical" way to look at dating instead
    >simply his own personal convictions.

    In other words, he was successful at convincing you, at least for a time, that he was speaking for God. I'm learning how to reject arrogant self righteous Christians and celebrate Christians of true humility.

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  2. Mark,

    I want to clarify something here. I'm not saying that Joshua Harris convinced me that he was speaking for God. I don't recall him saying that his personal convictions were the only way or that he was speaking for God. It's that I took his convictions as God's way, and so did many others that influenced me.

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  3. It would have been great if those friends of yours had stood up at your wedding and talked about how they hate the sins of divorce and adultery and the violation of wedding vows but they are at your wedding because they deeply love and care for the two of you. Done in a thoughtful and caring way, that could have been really awesome. Why do Christians seldom choose to behave in an awesome way?

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  4. Mark wrote: "Why do Christians seldom choose to behave in an awesome way?"

    I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Anyway, I had long left the church that believed that I shouldn't marry by the time I did marry. Most of my friends there eventually left, too, and the ones that were still my friends by the time I got married had changed their view on divorce and attended my wedding.

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  5. "Done in a thoughtful and caring way, that could have been really awesome" (Mark)

    I am not sure that is 'awesome' at all - excuse me if I missed the sarcasm - but that seems terrible altogether. Having someone come to your wedding and condemn you in the name of love is not a good thing - it's a self-righteous thing at the very least (made to make the speaker feel justified).

    That being said that whole single issue is likely still an issue in a lot of churches - my guess anyways. I know of some young people from a church I attended that just got married - and they really haven't experienced much in life - which had me wondering why they did it? Pressure of some sort - that much I know.

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  6. societyvs said...
    >"I am not sure that is 'awesome'
    >at all - excuse me if I missed
    >the sarcasm..."

    There was no sarcasm intended but I probably expressed myself very poorly.

    The current behavior in American Christian church weddings involving divorced people is to completely ignore previous marriages. We pretend it never happened. If divorced people invite someone to their wedding and their invited guest has issues, then the guest is expected to keep silent or stay away. That, to me, seems terrible altogether.

    societyvs also said...
    >"Having someone come to your
    >wedding and condemn you in the
    >name of love is not a good thing"

    I'm not sure why you are using words like "condemn". I'm sure its because of my inability to express the point clearly. I'm not suggesting that the guests protest the wedding or insist that it not happen but those guests are obviously upset over the previous divorce and to care enough about them to ask they attend the wedding but then to demand they remain silent about something that weighs heavy on their hearts is not acceptable either. To do that makes a wedding ceremony nothing but a show, a public performance. If that's the case then we might as well stay home and watch it on TV.

    The most awesome thing I ever saw at a wedding was that after the couple spoke their vows the minister turned to the audience and said "do you also vow to honor and support this family and their marriage?" Marriage is an institution that takes place within a community and if someone in that community has issues weighing heavy on their heart then that should be addressed.

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